“I don’t need to know right now”
When is it time to know things?
What’s for dinner? Sometimes you don’t know what’s for dinner until you’ve finished cooking. It is a process to patiently find out what to make and great practice to be with what is. Photo of plating up dinner by Becca Tapert at Unsplash.
Sometimes you can use one single thought or phrase to quiet all the prickly thoughts that seem to come flooding in unbidden all the time. The churning thoughts in the mind can get busy and loud, especially when things are stressful and uncertain. What’s going to happen? How much longer will this go on? Do they like me? Have I done enough? As the rapid-fire questions come, the body tenses up (maybe in the shoulders, the neck, and gut). The breath gets short, and it starts to feel that the world is closing in as the stress reaction plays out.
This is a hard pattern to bump into, especially if it seems to keep repeating.
A simple phrase to use when you find yourself in this kind of situation is:
“I don’t need to know right now.”
The earlier worry questions can then go like this:
What’s going to happen?
“I don’t need to know right now.”
How much longer will this go on?
“I don’t need to know right now.”
Do they like me?
“I don’t need to know right now.”
Have I done enough?
“I don’t need to know right now.”
I like this phrase, because saying it comes from a place of power. Using the phrase amounts to making a decision to exercise your natural capacity to choose where to focus attention. It is deliberate. In this case, you choose to deal with what you do know and what is happening in the now right in front of you, trusting that what you need to know will reveal itself at the appropriate moment. It just makes sense to decide to not ruin your mood with thoughts about the future or with thoughts about things you cannot control in the moment. It may take some practice, but the results are worth it. The phrase can help you focus on what truly matters, which could very well be the person or situation right in front of you. Focusing on the demand to know something that cannot be known in the moment can make the mind go in circles and make you anxious. It can wear you out and steal your peace. So, recognizing the truth of not knowing, but having faith that the right moment of knowing will come, is a great way to create space and acceptance for what is happening in the moment.
Quietly, underneath everything, it is also a way of accepting yourself right where you are.
Saying the phrase can spark the kind of relationship with life that is less in conflict with how things are actually happening and showing up for you. You can instead focus on being thankful for the outcomes and for your well-honed ability to roll with the punches and go with the flow. You can choose to be less in conflict with yourself and forgive yourself for demanding to know or feeling pressured to know. Maybe you even become playful and lighthearted as a result. You can come to trust life more and look forward to what actually is occurring. This is sort of like taking the long view of things, the “big picture” of how things relate to one another, and it can lead to having more confidence in yourself and your actions and decisions. It is how you develop your sense of values and priorities to determine what is important in the moment and what works. Maybe you can even be at ease and trust the process.
A Kind of Freedom
Trusting the process, no matter how messy and uncertain, is a kind of freedom. Imagine being free of judgment and tension as you go about life and do your thing. I have used a version of the phrase when I was cooking the family meals regularly every night. My spouse would come home from work and innocently ask me what’s for dinner. I would answer, “Geez! I don’t know yet!” At first, early in our marriage, I was irritated by the question, and I snapped at him. I was short and stressed in my response, because I was defensive. It was no excuse. In those moments, I remember that I interpreted the question as a pressure to have all the answers and all the details about our lives figured out. But no. That’s impossible! Besides, that’s not what my partner meant in asking the question. It was a bid for connection, like saying hello or asking about how the day went. It took a while to realize this. So, instead the question of what’s for dinner became a game and a sort of family joke. Over time, my responses softened when I decided it's okay not to know. I don’t need to know right now. “What’s for dinner? I don’t know yet, so let’s find out together or just wait for that moment when all becomes clear.” Ha ha! We’d laugh at the exchange. Sometimes, it was a great time to order takeout rather than experiment with combining the leftovers in the fridge. I remember feeling free: I could make dinner or not make dinner and stay light throughout.
Keanu Reeves has a sincere teaching about how he personally uses this phrase to create instant peace and calm in his mind and body (listen to it here). Yes, yes, I agree with what Keanu Reeves says, and I appreciate his stories. Finding personal meaning in using the phrase helps you see how to apply the phrase in your own life and recognize the journey of acceptance, which is powerful. This is self-awareness and situational awareness. So, this not knowing business is a human thing we can all practice and get good at. You truly don’t know everything, and there is no need to apologize or punish yourself or anyone for not knowing or for wanting to know. Be encouraged. Be patient and humble and present, trusting that you will find your way with whatever comes next. Maybe say to yourself in some way: I don’t need to know right now how every single last thing is going to turn out. I will know when I need to know.
Okay! Now: What’s for dinner?